Day 13: Insomnia

Picking up where I left off. Since Day 8 I’ve been in Michigan visiting my parents, trying to get grounded in next steps while taking care of them. Their well-being is also playing a part in my decision making. I’ts currently 5:51a; I’ve been awake for about two hours with my mind racing. “What in the hell am I going to do” being the underlying currrent zipping across my brainwaves.

After spending time with an old high school friend, who has also been through this debacle called a lay-off, and catching up with a couple other friends who’d heard the news but who I hadn’t talked to, I offically decided yesterday I am done with corporate America. I had applied for a downgrade position, with a good chance of moving into that, but for what? To say I can officially retire in 6-7 months? I can do that now. I don’t need to stay on a payroll, being misterable in a job that truly bores me to tears to say that.

But I’m freaking the eff out.

It’s back to reality tonight after I fly back to Texas. Time to get serious about making this business thing work. But I’m a jack of all trades, master of none. I’m what’s called a “utility player”, a generalist; which means I have no speciality and people like me don’t specialize in anything. I specialize in not specializing. Is that a thing? I’m good with people, I’m practical and pragmatic, most of the time anyway, and I get bored easily. Who the hell is going to hire me? More and more I think I need to make my own gig work.

But I’m freaking outtttt with all the what if’s. What if I can’t do it. What if I don’t make enough money? What if people think I’m a joke. What if I spend a whole bunch of time and money for nothing (I feel like I’ve already done that). What if people scoff at me?

Shut up, brain.

The self-talk is killing me. Why do we do this to ourselves? Fill our minds with negative chatter???

Isn’t that EXACTLY what I want to help people with? YES.

The circle of nonsense in my mind is somewhat due to lack of sleep I’m sure.

But there is another voice whispering - try. Just keep trying. You’ll figure it out. You always do.

But what if I don’t.

Just try.

Now try to sleep. Just try.